Movie Review: John Carter the Messiah

PRE-READ NOTE: Looks like this is less of a movie review and more of a pouring out of my general impression of the entire cinema-going experience.  Reader, please forgive my subjectivity.  Cheers, Dimitri (dimitri.pravdinATmail.ru for comments).

Here goes nothing . . . look, Ma, no hands! . . .

Last night, I and my family watched John Carter.  Sucker that I am, I thought the preview looked pretty good, plus the main actor Taylor Kitsch is from my home area, Salish (& other 1st Nations’) Territories, presently known by its old colonial name of British Columbia.

First of all, throughout the movie, I thought I was watching a remake of Star Wars meets Avatar meets Prince of Persia meets Gladiator.  In all the films, there´s always a messianic figure, and for Euro-Turtle Island (North American) audiences, it´s always a Euro guy.  And he always has the support of the natives to fight the Big Bad Euro nemesis(es). The girlfriend of Mr. Messiah is always some hot chick who can kill even more baddies than her BF, with the trickery of the sword and some slick moves.  And usually there´s the unexpected twist at the end.  That´s perfectly acceptable; why would I pay my hard earned money for something that doesn´t entertain?

Second, though Messianism has its limits as a theme in movies and real life, honestly, I love courage and the struggle against injustice that ends with victory.  Sheesh, if the real world could only work that way!  Unfortunately, it´s usually the underdog who gets his a** kicked, whether it´s the poor guy, the whistleblower, the activist, the homeless, the Good Samaritan.  Well, live to fight another day, don´t give up.

Third, I think I´m certainly going to be deaf before I´m 50.  Crap, the cinema´s sound system is so audiolicious that I know my ear candy enjoyment is bound to last only for a few more years.  Add to that, car stereos, phone music earjacks, traffic, yelling family members, barking dogs, my own bellowed songs when I´m alone.  Oh well, as Ray McGuire from the ancient groovy band Trooper sang, ¨We´re hear for a good time, not a long time¨.  Did you catch that?

Fourth, I either want to leave the cinema or finish watching a flick on my computer or TV and have deep impressions.  This could be anger at injustice, the satisfaction of victory over evil, adrenaline from all the over-the-top action, joy over the myriad of truly humourous scenes, or the warm fuzzies from a chick flick I watched with my wife (or maybe my son if he can´t escape).  So, John Carter and his Messianic moves like Mick Jagger did the trick: I bounced out of the theatre feeling like a ping pong ball, and determined to battle for justice with all my might.  Just like Virginia, I mean, John.

There you have it, folks.  Go watch JC (not Jesus Christ) and see for yourself.  Or just read everyone else´s reviews and pretend you saw it.

Cheers from McDonald´s

with its free Wifi,

Dimitri

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John Carter trailer:

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About sleepless in turtle island

Hi, I´m Dimitri. I have lived in Turtle Island for awhile now, so my cultural understanding is slowly improving. Also, I can see things in this place that boggle my mind. Thus this blog...
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